Hello! I haven't vanished, I'm still here! Just about. I haven't updated in a while for many reasons, not all of them weight loss related. I am struggling, flailing, sinking maybe, in more areas than one. It's as though everything is conspiring against me, and if I'm truthful, while diet and exercise has been in the forefront of my mind it's been the last thing I've wanted to pay any attention to.
On Tuesday this week I gained half a pound, which to be honest was a complete surprise because I was expecting a gain of at least 3 or 4 with how bad my diet had been that week. So the weight loss gods smiled on me and I should have learnt my lesson and got back on the wagon this week. But I haven't, and this week has been almost just as bad. I can't remember the last time I did any exercise other than walking to take my eldest to school. I am in a major funk and I can't get out of it.
I don't want to have the relationship that I have with food any more. I want to eat what I want, when I want it and lose weight but of course, that's silly. I can't have it both ways but am finding that following the plan I am is making me feel deprived. Which is equally ridiculous because nothing is banned and I can have a little bit of what I want. If I want chocolate, I can have a small chocolate bar. If I want bread, that's fine too. But, I can't stop at one biscuit or a small piece of cheese. Which is ridiculous because who needs to eat a family sized pack of crisps? I just can't stop myself though. I've tried not having it in the house, but there are certain things I have to have for the children, or Mr FGS. And if there really is nothing "naughty" I'll eat an excessive amount of what is there. Stuff which is fine in moderation, but moderation isn't in my vocab at the moment.
What's causing all this? I don't know exactly, but a combination of things I guess. Stress is a major factor, but I can't take the stress out of my life at the moment. Financially, we're up the proverbial creek, and this rolls down onto other things that get me down. I have lost almost 3 stone, but am still wearing clothes from 6 months ago (even things I wore when I was pregnant, although they're mostly bed clothes) because we can't afford to buy new, or even second hand. Mr FGS lost his job just after Christmas, and therefore all the benefits that came with it. His company car, laptop and phone all were returned, severely limiting the work he can do now and therefore our income has been slashed. Then the car which we took out a loan for and bought 3 weeks ago broke down last weekend, costing us another £200 to fix. Within the space of 4 hours, the car broke down and my laptop, phone and camera all stopped working. Just small things that all added together make me want to cry.
Of course, Mr FGS is working all of the hours he can to try and bring money in. The majority of my evenings are spent in alone, which again makes food difficult because I don't want to buy and cook a meal just for myself. So I plan to have a jacket potato or a salad but when the time comes, once the children are fed, bathed and settled down for the night I go for a sandwich, packed with cheese, mayo, or something equally unhealthy. Of course I could use my time alone in the evenings to do a workout DVD or switch the Wii on, but having eaten badly and been on my own with 2 young children all day I just can't bring myself to do it. Andrew comes home around 9 or 10pm and goes almost straight to bed. It's lonely, and also putting a strain on our relationship.
He's now working all weekend (even on Mothers day tomorrow) and I am stuck in the house with the children alone again. I don't drive, it's raining and we couldn't even go for a walk because another thing which broke last weekend is my pram. It's fine for short trips to the shops or the school run, but the wheel falls off every 5 minutes and it is impossible to steer so a walk in the woods a few minutes from us is impossible. And of course, replacing the pram is out of our financial reach for at least another week and a half, if not longer than that and I am at my wits end.
So the long and short of it is that I am turning to food for comfort, because I feel like it is the only thing I have. At least it's better than alcohol, right? It's what I've always done, and I guess that habit is hard to break. But it is making me feel worse with every mouthful. I know I shouldn't be doing it, and it certainly isn't making me feel any better, but I can't help myself.
I am sorry this has been such a long and negative update, I just wanted to let you know what's been happening and why I've been, and probably will continue to be, a bit quiet. I need to work on my head and heart, and hopefully my body will follow!